As a devoted insomniac, I find myself watching a lot of television late at night, which means I have, for the most part, three options.

Infomercials.

Porn.

Bad horror films.

All things being equal, I will choose the bad horror film, and have so chosen for the past ten years or so, which means I have seen way too many bad horror films of every conceivable variety.

So believe me when I say that Kolobos is a bad horror film.

Five people agree to be on a reality TV project where they are put in a house and filmed. Being as this is a bad horror film, they all get murdered in not terribly creative manners. The directors occasionally try and give the film a little Williamson-esque self-referentiality, in which the characters talk about how bad horror films are, but soon give up on that in favor of over-the-top slicings and dicings.

Is there any reason to watch this, you might ask? Not especially. It's no worse than most of the bad horror films out there. The plot kinda falls apart at the end, and the special effects (such as they are) are nothing to write home about, but if you're looking for something to lull you to sleep, it's not bad.

The one vaguely noteworthy aspect of the film is Promise LaMarco who plays a hipster/fast food worker. I would put down as much as $5 that, within five years, she has a part on a sitcom or comedic drama (e.g., Northern Exposure, Gilmore Girls) as a wacky townsperson. She's certainly the only actor in this film that caught my attention. Unfortunately she gets chopped up about thirty minutes into the film, at which point I had a pretty hard time staying awake. Would it have been that hard to do an on-the-set rewrite (presuming there was, in fact, a script) and bumped off the bland blond actress first?

Rating: D+

Topics: horror, movies

So, I have a perverse desire to see almost any film I possibly can that gets unanimously bad reviews by mainstream reviews. There's really no other way to explain why I recently sat through Battlefield Earth. I suppose that's why I was very willing to watch Duets, which was generally panned for lousy writing, hammy overacting, etc.

And the critics weren't entirely off-base with that criticism. The script is decent, if not great, and it is fun to get a look at a world most of us aren't really familiar with, unless, of course, you are a karaoke hustler, in which case you doubtlessly have a slew of complaints with the accuracy of the film. For the rest of us, though, it's just about as much fun to watch a well-done karaoke hustle as it is a nice pool/poker/bowling hustle.

So, where does the film fall apart?

First off, the whole Huey Lewis/Gwyneth Paltrow storyline is painful (They play an estranged father/daughter couple) Huey is, at best, a tolerable screen presence. Gwyneth is falling back on her dumb blonde routine, which many of us are increasingly confident is not actually a routine. Not too mention some kinda creepy incest overtones in their dynamic. Blech.

Secondly, Andre Braugher is too good for this movie. I don't mean that in the "an actor of this caliber deserves a better film" (though that is certainly true), but he routinely invests scenes with more emotional intensity than any other character seems to be feeling. It serves only to underscore how flimsy the other performances are, especially since he is largely paired with Paul Giamatti, who is, at best, Jeremy Piven with a severe need to get attention.

But, it's still kind of fun, and might be worth watching for free if the weather's lousy....

Rating: B- (Not as bad as expected)

Topics: movies

The single biggest disadvantage to being a college radio DJ is an increased tendency to judge an album just on the basis of a few recommended tracks. Generally the system works pretty well (if anything, it leads to a greater enthusiasm for otherwise average bands -- my deep love of Sweet Nothing is based solely on the song "That Ticking Sound"), but I am now forced to condemn it, for the sole reason that it has taken me years to properly appreciate the fabulous Cakekitchen album, The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea.

For those not familiar with the band, The Cakekitchen is the project of Graeme Jefferies (also of This Kind of Punishment, the group he was in with his slightly-more-famous brother, Peter Jefferies) For the most part, the album is just Graeme and his drummer, with the esteemed Alastair Galbraith lending occassional support on the violin. Sonically, it is certainly not out of place with the 90's New Zealand sound (chorus-laden guitars, Robyn Hitchcock-y vocals), but with a slightly more aggressive avant-garde noise approach. Very good, but just listening to the recommended tracks (most likely "Bald Old Bear", the single released prior to the album) doesn't begin to tell half the story.

Worth listening to, of course, but put on "I Know You Know" and tell me that isn't one of the best songs ever. Sounds like Galbraith when he's trying to be melodic, but with great vocals and guitar work. Fabulous. Then let the album play. Listen to "You Make A God of Money" (what a title!). Starts all sleepy and pretty, then, abruptly, they rock out. Not many bands can handle that kind of transition without sounding forced, but it springs forth so naturally you can't help but admire it.

And it stays just as good. I'm a big fan of the strummy, acoustic songs, but the strange noisy ones (featuring highway sounds) are great in their own own.

Retroactively added to my Favorite Albums of the 90's list.

Rating: A

Topics: albums