Let me start off by saying that I am, in general, a vehement proponent of sex and violence in the media. I have been known to publicly lament the decline in blood, gore, and breasts in horror films and will generally give my business to anything that is blatantly and resolutely immoral. Anything I can do to combat the ongoing family friendlification of America is worthwhile.

That having been said, even I was floored by the new ad campaign for the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas. For those of you who haven't seen this (I have no idea if Vegas casinos run TV ads outside of Los Angeles), allow me to summarize.

Scene 1: A handsome male plays cards while a toothy brunette clings to him.

Handsome Man: Am I a player tonight? Definitely.

Woman smiles.

All right, so far so good. Come to our casino, play cards, and women will fall all over you. I'm with you so far.

Scene 2: Two women stand at the bar being chatted up by a guy. Conversation ends and guy disappears. The blonde turns to the brunette, bites her lip, and sensually runs her finger around the rim of her wine glass.

Blonde: Sure, I've got rules. I left 'em at home.

Whoa! Come to Vegas and fool around with members of the same sex! That's new. Did the MGM/Mirage execs sit around and say "You know, the bi-curious female market is huge. We should tap into that."? Maybe they know something I don't.

Or maybe this is supposed to be saying "Hey guys, come to Vegas and maybe you'll be able to watch some hot girl-on-girl action." That certainly seems like a much larger demographic to be tapping into with your ads. And yet, the guy who was talking to the two girls disappears pretty quickly, so the message seems to be "Hey guys, come to Vegas and get snubbed by women who are bored with heterosexuality." Not a great selling point.

Maybe I'm overthinking this. This is a very short spot, so I guess the idea is just to get everyone all worked up what with the lip biting and glass fondling and such. And, if you're curious, it ends with lots of cannons firing. Just in case the ad wasn't sexual enough.

If you're curious (or just want to see some implied girl-on-girl action) can view the movie here.

Rating: B (Muddled message, but implied girl-on-girl action has to be worth a few points)

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As long as I can remember Dr. Pepper's advertising campaign has always been very jingle-oriented. In fact, I distincly remember writing a computer program in 4th grade that would play, on command, the "I'm A Pepper, She's A Pepper, Wouldn'tcha Like To Be A Pepper Too?" song, which indicates that the jingle had pretty thoroughly penetrated my tiny little child brain.

So it comes as no surprise that Dr. Pepper would turn to popular musicians to sell their product, in this case, the soon-to-be-retired Garth Brooks. This is all well and good. Mr. Brooks sings a pleasant country-tinged jingle about being a non-conformist and drinking Dr. Pepper (a centerpiece in the Dr. Pepper ad campaign for as long as I can remember). The song's fine. Garth's performance is fine (though he does wear kind of a goofy mock-turtleneck -- I don't really associated mock-turtlenecks with country wear, but I suppose if you're the biggest selling country artist in the world, you can wear whatever you please)

No, what really bothers me about this ad is the deranged zombie in the prison jumpsuit flailing about just left of Garth. At least I assume it's a zombie. Old man. Orange jumpsuit. Crazed expression on his face. Muscular movements that looks somewhat akin to a marionette as manipulated by a spasmotic child. If that doesn't say Prison Zombie, I'm not sure what does.

All right. Maybe he's not a zombie. Maybe he just likes swinging his arms around like he's fighting a wicked case of rigor mortis. Maybe he just likes wearing his ol' prison jumpsuit. I prefer to imagine that some deranged brain-eating zombie that just busted out of Angola wandered onto the set of this ad, and noone had the guts to try to get him to leave.

Rating: A (Waaay more entertaining than it should be)

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Sometime in the last year or so, motion picture studios have made the bold step of explaining what caused the MPAA to give the films the ratings they did. Underneath an average "R" Rating, you may see such creative reasons as "Western Violence" or "Explicit Situations." And, while "Pervasive Drug Use" may be enough to keep away the CAP crowd, it would stand to reason that it has the (possibly) unexpected side effect of drawing in all those who want to know exactly how much drug use has to be portrayed in a film for it to be considered "pervasive."

So it was really only a matter of time before one of the studios realized that by playing up all the non-family friendly aspects of their film, as determined by a fair and non-biased (chortle) orgnization like the MPAA (smirk), they could get some extra street cred among their audience.

One of the TV spots for the upcoming William Castle remake Thirteen Ghosts does just that. Instead of the voice over guy reading something like "In a land where houses were made of glass and scary monsters...," he simply reads the disclaimer, informing people that the MPAA has determined that Thirteen Ghosts contains Horror Violence and Gore, Nudity, and "Some Language" (The rest of the film, we presume, is naught but screaming) If there are words besides Gore, Violence, and Nudity that draw horror fans to the movie theatres, I don't know what they are.

Rating: A (It's About Time)

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I was riding the Big Blue Bus to work one morning and at the Sepulveda and Pico stop I saw an Earthlink billboard featuring the original Siamese twins, Chang and Eng. "GET LINKED" and "STAY CONNECTED" it said in black and pumpkiny-orange Earthlink fashion.

First I thought, "Clever! Hehehehe 'get linked' - good one, dude!" and then the frat boy police inside me kicked me in the head and said, "Stop that, you sicko!" And it was right to do so. What the heck was Earthlink trying to say?

"Use us and you and your friends and family can be just like these two people who were bought from the Thai government by a merchant who profitted from exhibiting them and then sold his rights to them to another merchant until they ended up in P.T. Barnum's freak show. Yes, you too can be shown off as chattel! Then you all can retire, become farmers, marry [that part sounds kinda interesting], have money problems, go back on tour, come back and have drinking problems and then die, two hours apart."

Oh yeah! I want to be so linked to friends and family that I want to share a liver with them through a piece of skin at our chests, I never want to know a moment's peace, and I can never be disconnected else I'll die!

Ok, maybe I'm reading too much into it. At least Earthlink isn't AOL. Plus, who woulda thunk I knew so much about Chang and Eng?

(I still don't like the ad though.)

Rating: D ('cause I thought it was clever at first)

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Despite the alleged financial problems the Gap is having, they seem to have plenty of cash to allocate to television advertising. The new ad campaign is apparently based on the somewhat dubious theme of celebrities discussing their first loves. I'm not entirely clear what the connection is between first love and Gap clothing. I suppose the idea is that reminding consumers of their first love will make them feel good, a feeling they will now associate not with their own personal histories, but with The Gap.

Well, I'm sure there are ad execs who understand this sort of thing a lot better than I do. Presumably these are the same ad execs who have decided I'd rather see an overly skinny and annoying blonde shilling for Old Navy instead of Carrie Donovan.

Well, despite the questionable logic behind this ad campaign, it's worth noting the ad that features Juliette Lewis dancing with Daft Punk. If you're not familiar with Daft Punk, I imagine the ad would be extremely perplexing. I imagine there are thousands of people across the country who are asking themselves "Why is this drugged out pregnant girlfriend of a psychopath dancing with robots?"

But the bigger question in my mind is whether this represents a comeback of some sort for Juliette Lewis, or if this is the final step down on her descent into career hell. Personally, I am pleased to see her looking like a normal person, and not another variant in her long line of drugged out pregnant girlfriends of a psychopath. Dancing with robots is certainly more watchable than her robbing convenience stores with Woody Harrelson.

Then again, I can't think of lot of people featuring onscreen in Gap ads who have really gone on to a significantly bigger and better things. Advertising still strikes me as that last attempt to make some cash before there is no celebrity left to cash in on. Perhaps Juliette will prove me wrong.

Rating: B+

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I haven’t seen this much teen posterior since I rented the unrated Director’s Cut DVD of Roger Corman Presents a Luc Besson film: Porky’s IV: Avenging Angel.

Rating: A- (Featuring "Girls with the butts" song)

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I'm hoping you all know what I'm talking about here. It looks just like a normal Home Depot ad (e.g., actors doing home improvment, selecting hardware with the help of smiling orange-smocked types), but then it cuts to a shot of Larry David standing in an empty room. Huh? Larry David? Doesn't he have enough money from creating Seinfeld that he doesn't need to do ads? Does the Home Depot Corporation really think that, first, a sufficient number of people will recognize Larry David and, secondly, that these people would be more inclined to go to the Home Depot because of Larry David's endorsement.

Let's say, for argument's sake, it is Larry David, not just a Larry David impersonator (which I certainly hope is a well-paying profession). Shouldn't there be some text on the screen that tells people who he is? If they're going to shell out the big bucks for a Larry David appearance, wouldn't they want to flaunt it? Is Larry David such a huge fan of Home Depot that he is doing unpaid, uncredited appearances for them?

And, just to make the whole thing even more perplexing, the shot is pretty quick, then returns to smiling, multi-ethic orange smock wearers. Blah blah blah. More of the same. Then the closing shot.

Ira Kaplan at the checkout counter.

Yes, Ira Kaplan. The guitarist and singer from Yo La Tengo at Home Depot.

Now, I know Yo La Tengo doesn't sell as well as Britney Spears, but Home Depot ads? I could see them selling a song for use in a Home Depot ad, but an actual appearance? Bizarre.

I like to think that there is someone at Home Depot who has decided to really fine tune their ad campaigns. Clearly, they are looking to appeal to 24-25 year old hipsters, and what better way to do it? Those who don't recognize Mssrs. David & Kaplan will still respond to the ad as well as they ever would, but those in the key demographic will get really excited and pay waaaay more attention than they ever would to a Home Depot ad. Brilliant.

Rating: A+ (If these people are not who they seem to be, then wouldn't be nearly so high)

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